Banjo’s Stand Up - Tasty Nuggets

PRESENTS

Knockin’ the tinsel off the town

INT. HOLLYWOOD COMEDY CLUB – EVENING

(5 good minutes) Y’know, I’ve always dreamed of trying stand-up. I remember when I got to Hollywood, I said to myself – man: when I have 5 minutes of good material, I’m gonna get up there and knock it out of the park.

So… here we are… 20 years later – and I’ve got 3… maybe 4 minutes tops. But what the hell, right? If it’s not funny, I’ll do what everyone else does and just blame Hollywood.

(Banjo) Yes – you heard correctly – I’m Banjo. And to answer your next question: Banjo’s a nickname – I tend to be upbeat and likable in small doses. Anything more than that tends to get exhausting and annoying.

(Dark Glasses) I guess I should also probably address the whole indoor dark glasses thing. Let’s just say they’re 85% medicinal and 15% recreational. (sigh) Sad – somewhere along the way, eye drops and a hand wipe became my new shot and a beer.

(Dab) Hey (looking at audience) – I’m curious – anyone happen to dab like right before they came in here? Cuz I’m going to be judging myself by how well I do with you guys.

(Germaphobe) Now that I’m actually standing up here, I’m realizing something else that may have delayed this dream is my germaphobia. I mean I’m not Howie Mandel, but let’s just say that having my lips near this mic feels like I’m sticking my face in a porta-potty at Coachella.

I really love it – you just never know what kind of tasty little nuggets you’re going to run into whenever you leave the house.

(Multi-cultural) I mean I dig how Hollywood is like this… melting pot of language and culture. But sometimes I have to laugh when it trips all over its own dick. Like the other day – while I was waiting for some takeout, I was being entertained by the frustrated employee behind the counter who kept announcing Joe-El Joe-El over the speaker. After a fourth no answer, this dude steps around me and goes up to the employee: do you mean Joel?

(Yellow tape) Hollywood’s also a place where you have to be on your toes at all times. Recently, I was cutting thru an alley and I see across the way that yellow crime scene tape, cops and a whole bunch of people gathered around with an ambulance in the background.

I got startled when a young PA tapped on my passenger window as I was looking to my left. He said hold up a minute, then these three guys rolled this large lighting rig across the street. Ha! Of course, I said to myself – they’re shooting – this is Hollywood.

About ten minutes later, I’m rolling up to a light and across the intersection I see that yellow crime scene tape again and a similar scene of cops and a whole bunch of people gathered around with an ambulance in the background.

This time, I was startled by a well grizzled LAPD officer who tapped on my window and told me to go left – NOW! Ha! Of course, I said to myself as I quickly followed his orders – there’s a shooting – this is Hollywood.

(Talking to self) I walk around Hollywood all the time so I tend to come in contact with a lot of actors – and a lot of homeless. One of my favorite games to play when passing by someone on the streets is: who’s rehearsing their lines and who’s just mumbling to themselves.

(Give the drummer some) Not sure if any of you saw this thing that happened not so long ago down on the Third Street Promenade ??? This guy on a drum set was drumming along to the track of his favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song – totally in the zone – blockin’ out the world – livin’ his best life. Then, whoever is taking the video pans the camera over to right in front of the drummer and there – taking it all in and loving every second of it – is Chad Smith: the actual drummer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers! He was just sittin’ on the edge of the fountain air drumming along. A caption then appears on the video saying: who’s gonna tell him?

I mean – c’mon – only in LA can you play with yourself fantasizing about someone, then be able to open your eyes and see that same person playing with themselves watching you.

(Interpretation) As we all know, Hollywood is very much about interpretation. And I’m always fascinated at how people can see the same thing and have totally different reactions.

(Glass birds) I was hoofing along Melrose and passed by a little antique type shop where a couple had stopped to look in the window. At the exact same time, they both said the exact same thing – except totally different. She said: (upbeat) look at all those glass birds! – just as the guy groaned: look at all those glass birds.

(7-Eleven) Another time, I was boppin’ down Hollywood Boulevard and passed by the 7-Eleven that has classical music blaring out speakers above the front door and around the corner. I heard this older touristy-looking woman identify it as Tsiakosfsky. She remark how lovely and soothing it must be for all those people gathered outside. So cute – I hope no-one ever tells her it’s to annoy them so they’ll move along.

(Award show banter) I mean Hollywood is definitely its own bubble, no doubt. I remember this award show banter I overheard once – the lead Producer of a documentary was discussing the horrific atrocities taking place in his country. He was telling the group that days before the ceremony, the filmmaker’s uncle had been brutally murdered by government forces and that’s why he was not able to attend. This guy was there representin’. Some heavy shit. One by one, everyone was aghast and heartbroken and offering condolences. Then this one gentlemen chimes in – with great sincerity – and says: I am so glad I voted for your film.

(Cash no cash) I think we can all agree that Hollywood is all about the money, right? What I find kinda crazy is that like half the places around here are no cash, while the other half are cash only. And the only place that gladly takes a hundred dollar bill is the pot store.

(Gyms) Like a lot of Angelenos I enjoy working out. It’s crazy – Hollywood must have more gyms per square block than any other place in the world. So many options – Pilates. Boxing. Weightlifting. CrossFit. Swimming. Even goat yoga and pole dancing! Can you believe it?!? 40 bucks a class to learn how to pole dance!?! 35 if you pay in singles.

(Where else) I do have to admit – every once in a while, I think about living somewhere else. But then I realize that I’d really miss the stench of hot urine in the midday sun. Or that what-the-hell-do-I-do-now feeling you get when the police helicopter keeps circling right above where you’re at.

(Hollywood ending) This has been really fun – thank you. But it feels like it’s about time for one of those beautiful Hollywood endings. Y’know, the kind that wraps it all up in a perfect bow that leaves the audience satisfied and wanting more. Or… maybe it could be something more like “Wicked,” where I leave it all hangin’ out there til next Fall. But I think for now, I’m gonna do the Indie film thing and just end.

Banjo raises his hand in gratitude and walks off.